And I hope I never meet anyone like you again. I hope I never love someone the way I loved you. I never want to love that much and that deeply again. I always swore I'd never be afraid to love someone, that I'd always let my feelings flow, but I so strongly know that I can't take heartbreak like this much more. To continue losing people I swear are perfect for me. To lose you, and see you hurting yourself for someone who is not me. I am horribly angry, maybe it's jealousy. But mostly, I think I might swear off love that strong.

I can't even function when I think of you. I hate your decision to cast me away. I'm trying to understand how you feel. I want to make it easier for you, but I still want you. I want...everything about you.

 

But when the best thing for you is for me to stay away, well. I never have understood that. And I know it'll take years for me to heal. Is that what I deserve then?

Make your own Countdown Clocks

Make your own Countdown Clocks

Make your own Countdown Clocks

Make your own Countdown Clocks

I've been wondering lately, as I laze around for days watching old episodes of The L Word and eating my weight in pizza while drinking my weight in Diet Coke, what I could possibly contribute to the world. I've gone through three years of college, gotten a degree, and have had a total of zero legitimate jobs. I've been paid to work in a college dining hall, as a manager, and to work for a college radio station. I've been rejected by Wegman's supermarket and Pizza Hut. I have experience writing memoir, public essay, creative nonfiction, poetry, reviews, grant proposals. I have experience in performance and critical analysis. I am a punctual and polite person. I know I would be great at basically any job that involves working with other people.

But where is my place in the world? Where does an un-extraordinary person fit? Because I identify myself as unexceptional, I doom myself, with honesty and frankness, to a life unfulfilled.

As such, I find myself feeling rather unimportant and unnecessary, which further lessens my motivation to bring anything to the world. I am in a cycle of an unmotivated existence, where I feel no need to contribute to myself because I don't value myself. In addition, I feel a resentment and jealousy towards those who do contribute to the world, make something of themselves, and value themselves.

Why must I contribute to the world? Is it selfish to contribute for the sole purpose of feeling self-worth? How do people feel important in a world of almost 7 billion people? How can I value this creature I am, consuming and wasting and generating filth and strife? I feel overwhelming guilt. No matter how much therapy I undergo, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to rid myself of the guilt. No matter how much I try to contribute, I wonder, will I always see myself as less than everyone else? Where can I gain my sense of obligation? What purpose do I serve? Even if I only serve myself and make myself happy, I will most likely feel guilty about not assisting those in need, then selfishly proclaim that I myself am in need, as everyone is.

I've always just seen myself, fairly, as another lost person finding a way. That is my filter. It's how I justify how people treat me and how I treat others. People make mistakes. I make mistakes. Or maybe it's just that people do things. People act, people think, people feel. And these actions, thoughts, and feelings can hurt others...or help others. That's just the way things work. People have intentions. And there are consequences, sometimes unintended. People just are.

There is no rhyme or reason. People are just trying. Trying to do something, feel something, be something. And everything that happens, happens.

I just wonder now, if I have any control.